Secret Reviewers Club: The Joy of The Koi

Welcome to the Secret Reviewers Club, where people like you, review sexual wellness products for you, over a seven day period. This week, female, Singaporean, 32 years old, entrepreneur, pansexual.

Day #1

10:00: Merry Christmas, and Thank you Santa!

I wake up, pleasantly surprised by a text message announcing the arrival of a much anticipated new toy. It’s been a long work month, conducting trainings, workshops, and meetings. I am very much looking forward to Christmas break and giving my sexual energy a little boost by trying this out! It’s been delivered to my home while I’m spending the night at my parent’s place but I can’t wait to get my hands on it (or it on me).

10:15: Hydrate – A beautifully boozy Christmas Eve dinner with the family calls for water. My sister’s new boyfriend had his first Christmas with us, and was subjected to our particular brand of family humour in charades. He handled it with aplomb, which bodes well for the future – hope we didn’t scare him off. It’s a pretty good test of a relationship. He’s coming back for Christmas Lunch.

10:30: I love that there’s a reformer in my parent’s house – a little sweat always perks me up and gets me going. I workout to gently reset my spine with a little footwork and to stay in shape. I’m all about balance and while I know how much I workout doesn’t correlate with how much I eat, it sure helps balance all these delicious desserts during the festive season!

11:30: Shower and prepare for lunch!

12:00: My Christmas present to my family, and myself this year is a series of recorded interviews.  We delve into the how and why of childhood, parenthood, complicated family histories for a little bit, and it’s nice to know who they were as people before we came along. It’s a project for remembrance, to document them while they’re still here. The list of questions is 40; I only manage about 10 per person and have cried thrice because it’s surprisingly sentimental and quite touching to see the ways they’ve loved us, and wanted the best for their kids.

15:00: Onto the next social event! Arrive at my friend’s house for Christmas partying round two. I say yes to almost everything offered, including salmon, roast duck, carbs, a home-made cinnamon infused rum, regular rum, a tiny airplane sized bottle of Asahi, white and red wine.

16:00: Proceed to do the splits, dance, and socialize, and at one point getting everyone to do Pilates while we talk about love, health, politics, and the advent of a newborn child (literal child).

19:30: Head over to the boyfriend’s house, our first Christmas together! My friend comes with me as we leave, and the three of us end up having eggnog, playing with pets, and catching up with each other about our respective holidays and where we are in life. It’s always a little scary introducing new romantic partners to friends and vice versa but I’m so pleased at how well they’re getting along.

20:30: We prep the dough for gingerbread cookies! They have to be left in the fridge overnight so my sweet tooth will have to wait.

21:00: My boyfriend and I exchange and open Christmas presents – he’s given me a few presents leading up to the big day, one of which is joke latex lingerie… or at least I think it’s a joke.. Haven’t tried it on yet but we’ll see how I feel later!

21:30: Attempted to watch half of White Christmas on the couch – how did this movie become a Christmas Classic? These dance scenes are amazing but the bits in between are so outdated. He asks me to take my top off to paint me with body-safe paint. I agree, but only if I can do the same! We enjoy each other’s shirtless bodies and create some art.

12:00: My boyfriend has been kindly decorated with candy canes, a Christmas Tree, and the words “Love Yourself”. I resemble a living Operation game set, with illustrated pleura, intestines, and a large heart. We valiantly attempt to stay awake for the rest of the movie but decide to be adults, and call it a day. He draws a hot bath to wash away the paint.

12:30: Lying in a hot bath with this beautiful man surrounded by glittery water (thank you Lush for making such amazing bath bombs). I am content, full in my heart and stomach. I mention the Koi to my lover and he’s excited too, but after such a social day I’m toast and the Koi will have to wait. I pass out, excited for tomorrow.

Day #2

09:30: Wow whose bright idea was it to book us into a morning Pilates class? It was mine. I am full of bright ideas. We wake up and head out.

12:30: There it is, right by the door! I squeal with delight. This packaging is perfect – the box is cute, it came personalized with my name, the toy is sealed, and it comes with a QR code we can scan to find out more information on the product- it’s so eco-friendly to cut down on packaging! When I take it out, everything I need fits perfectly in this adorable pouch. I am so, so, so excited to try this out.

13:00: Off to a little deli to get the most delicious sandwiches – soft burratina, coppa, and prosciutto with basil on a crusty roll. Absolute heaven. We walk around the neighborhood looking at old fire escapes and noticing little bits of moss that grow in the cracks in between the walls. A leisurely lunch, though I’m still feeling a little tired from the night before.

14:00: Brought the hun to Don Don Donki to surprise him with their adult toy section. We make out with a few things that we know, and a few things that are complete mysteries – just tubes with foreign writing on them. If anyone ever wants to surreptitiously shop for sex toys I highly recommend this place – you can head with your lover to pick up $35 melons, grab some snacks, and purvey their range of adult toys – though to be granted, I’ve found it caters much more for the gents than the ladies. Lube, however, serves everyone and we get a few bottles to experiment with different textures – it’s going to be a fun night!

19:41: We’re home. Toys are cleaned, charged and ready to go. The Koi looks ergonomic, it’s easy to clean. He watches while I try the Koi on myself. The positioning took a second to find but once I did YOWZA it was the quickest, most intense orgasm that I’ve ever had- in a non jarring way. The buttons for self pleasure are well designed as you can change the speed and oscillation at will but it took me a little while for it to find the perfect seal around the clit. It is incredibly intense – not in the same way a hard ride is intense, but in a way where the area around the clit is suctioned and the pressure is being pulled out, not in. Unlike oral sex, there’s less delicacy or foreplay but just pure, intense, focus. Like oral sex, there is intense focus – in one spot.

20:00: My partner wants to play and uses the toy on me. Moving the toy around slightly different regions makes me realize how versatile the Koi is – in addition to its unique suction, it can work as a traditional vibrator when held away from the clitoris, or angled around the clit without the cusp of the toy being held flat against the skin. I find the gentlest vibration incredibly intense for my body, and on the oscillation or it really ramps up the intensity of my orgasms. This, coupled with a few new toys we try gets me super super sensitive even before we begin exploring each other with skin to skin contact. I find the lightest touch sets me off after using this – the brush of a thigh, a tongue, a lick a finger just intensely heightens all sensation.

We have a fantastic night and I pass out in the sweet, comatose sleep of the satiated.

Day #3

09:00: Wake Up. Partner reaches out, and wakes me up with a toy. Good partner. My body is still incredibly sensitive and stimulated from the night before so the slightest touch sets me off. My partner has a lot of fun playing with this.

09:45: “Wait here” he says. “I got us something to help you relax”. Can I just say, this is just one amazing guy? He comes back with a hilarious massage bar in the shape of a torso from the rear view (the most important view, of course!) and we take turns giving each other massages, allowing the shea butter to melt in between the heat of our skin. I have to admit I’m the lucky beneficiary, for the most part.

10:45: I’ve barely brushed my teeth and I’m already wondering when we can try this in the bathtub.

11:00: I ask my partner what he thinks of the toy. We had a fantastic night to say the least – he liked the light, which made it easy to find in the dark, and said it was really fun watching my reactions, but mentioned this was less intuitive to use on me than some of the other toys we have. I take a closer look at the Koi and see that it’s supremely well designed for solo use as the buttons are facing the user when operated, so harder for someone facing you to see what’s going on. He also said that it felt a tad more medical, as it takes a while to target and experiment with using it to see if it hits right, and the gentle thudding sounds reminded him of ER and machines used to draw fluid away from the wound. Overall review from him? “I enjoyed watching you.” I, on the other hand, can’t wait to use this again.

14:00: Made gingerbread cookies. This guy is pretty good in the kitchen – the dough we prepped last night has set up well and it’s just a matter of flouring, cookie cutting, and getting that temperamental oven to work just right.

14:30: Banagrams while they bake – but when they finish I start to feel a little antsy, so I suggest he shows me how he work outs – time for some HIIT. 

14:35: Went upstairs to get socks. We get distracted by each other, and with the toys in easy reach… we hit round 2 and 3 and promptly pass out in a little nap. The Koi works pretty good as a normal vibrator without the suction in the right place. Fun on the nipples, too.

16:00: Wake up – he asks me what I need to do.The only thing I really need to do is get heels for my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. We check out an antique store – giant slabs of wood form a table set out in the rain, chandeliers, old antique peranakan mirrors, more butter dishes than I could have ever imagined, and the best tech of the 80s bombard my senses. Mid walk, my stomach tells me I’m hungry.

18:00: Head back, eat kimchi, and crackers.

18:15: We workout doing some HIIT, weightlifting, burpees and crunches. I feel like dying a little bit as this is not my normal jam, but happy to get the blood pumping and see how this sculpts my body.

20:00: We shower, and I wonder if it’s too late to go get the heels I needed. As soon as I hop out of the shower he goes – “We’re going to Christian Louboutin.” Who is this guy? Am I in some kind of romcom? Who cares – even though I am pretty sure I’d be happier with a pair of Clarks, who am I to say no to a pair of Louboutins? Off we go!

20:30: I spent over an hour trying every shoe in the store. After much debate, and realizing that I don’t own heels for good reason, I narrow it down to two choices – a rainbow sneaker or an outrageous pair of metallic platform wedges. While asking a perfect stranger which pair to get – he casually gets me both. Who am I? When am I waking up from this dream? If this is a dream, I’d rather stay asleep.

21:40: Dinner at a Japanese place where the restaurant looks like a theater – little private dining areas resemble opera boxes that flow towards the center stage of live sushi chefs, and a gracefully arched staircase left and right shine the way to a private dining area. The highlight of dinner is our dessert, a chocolate confection masquerading as a little bonsai plant that is completely edible, down to the pot. It’s delicious.

23:30: Time to test it out in the bath. Brought it into the water with a bath bomb and enjoyed the pulses under the water, the warm water and pulsating plumes of glitter accentuating the anticipation. It makes the water around it throb and is an additional fun tease. My clit was personally overly sensitive and couldn’t take the additional stimulus after the night we had so we set it aside and had some lovely cuddle time, and ended up falling asleep shortly after.

Day #4

10:00: Hosting a wedding today. I wake up, grab my gear and my new Louboutins to my place to see what works best with my wedding outfit.

11:00: Mini fashion show. When in doubt, I like to take videos of myself moving in an outfit to see what works. Can’t decide and bring both shoes with me to the wedding.

12:00: I arrive at the venue and I’m so pumped to see my cousin and family! My cousin’s new wife has incredibly fun and bubbly energy and I’m so excited to be part of their big day. Hosting a wedding is so much more work than I imagined – running through the itinerary, and social distancing rules in wake of Covid brings me more anxiety than expected, but the couple is nothing but supportive and kind and just want us to have fun.

15:00: Get my makeup done professionally for the first time! I love this makeup artist, she sanitises everything properly, and the feeling of her warm fingers brushing moisturiser and primer into my skin in slow strokes is as good as any massage. With a soft powder puff pressed against my cheek and warm hands working in a flurry I fall asleep in the chair. When I look up a whole, new, better me appears – with amazing eyebrows.

16:00: Wedding recital reviews, dress rehearsal, a last minute change and then it’s go time!

21:00: Hope no one notices me crying happy tears – the couple is so adorable, genuine, and fun and it comes across in their vows and speeches to their loved ones. They have the most amazing, positive, can-do attitude towards life and I’m thankful for my family.

22:00: Time to pass out! I vaguely consider using the Koi but all thoughts of that flee my mind once I exit the shower. What a night!

Day #5

10:00: Wake up feeling well rested. I’ve had an amazing time socializing, but I really need a break from people and I’ve set aside this day to just reflect and take stock of my life, alone. I’m looking forward to this day to just reflect.

11:00: Grab a little coffee with a candy cane inside (the working girl’s peppermint mocha) and journal.

12:00: Meditate and go through journal prompts from the holistic psychologist on instagram – I’ve found so much joy and growth in re-parenting my inner child and working out these issues regarding patterns of how I see love and worthiness.

13:00: Nap and daydream. It’s important to set aside time to just do nothing and reset the body and mind.

18:00: Accepted an impromptu invitation to a rooftop party. We spend the night demolishing an amazing rose, snacking on empanadas with chimichurri, talking feelings and dissecting the gender politics of chivalry.

20:00: There’s a communal closet of fancy ball gowns in this house, and my friend and I make a night of trying on the entire closet – from glittering tunics, satin ball gowns, to cloud-like dresses and sequined spanky pants. We pick a New Year Eve’s outfit to wear for the upcoming party.

23:00: Made some new friends, and went home early – a restful day for me.

Day #6

11:30: Head to a cafe to meet my artist collective – we have a deadline for a show in February and I am stuck on what to do! We brainstorm new ideas, which include creating a mirrored raincoat or having a dinner party that incites divisive conversations. We refer to Foucault. Always a joy to work this part of my brain.

13:00: Pass by Don don Donki and pop into see if they have my favorite lube but the sex toy section is missing from this location. I did end up buying $65 worth of potato chips and a few toiletries. Darn you irresistible novelty items!

15:00: Meet up with a friend to have a heart to heart on how to navigate an open relationship and deal with insecurity – eye opening and insightful.  I am gifted a beautiful flowery bathing suit from my friend.

17:30: Have a scheduled teletherapy session. I love my therapist, she always helps frame things in perspective and helps me manage my emotions (and life) and get it better on track. Taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your physical health!

18:45: My friend drops off an order of the most amazing home baked chocolate chip cookies. I receive ten moist, sweet, umami miso – chocolate chip cookies and get a few peanut ones as well – perfect for the last minute birthday party I’m going to.

19:45: Uploaded the nudes I took last week from the camera I borrowed to my laptop before I pack everything I’m going to bring out with me tomorrow.

20:30: Head out to my boyfriend’s friends’ birthday. It’s my second time meeting his friends and they’re all fun, jovial people though they do tend to make jokes in extremely dubious taste. Wine, cake, and more wine abound! It’s a fun table of white men with better Chinese than me – they all speak their second language in strong regional accents, and their partners are lovely.

22:00: The birthday boy’s mom is in town and while bonding with her, learnt that his friend’s biological father gave him a concussion at age four. I’m an affectionate person even without inebriation, but with drinks – even more so. I felt a sudden wave of empathy for this poor child and went to hug him, and in doing so his wife got possessive – oops! Hope I haven’t crossed any boundaries there! I forget how my platonic physical touch translates differently in different environments. The intersection of jealousy, possession, and physical touch are so interesting.

Day #7

New Year’s Eve!

08:00: Wake up to the sound of kids running around – my boyfriend comes with two little ones who are adorable, but very, very, very early risers. Reluctantly leave the bed and head downstairs for coffee, avocado and toast.

09:00: Tried on the new swimsuit I got the night before. It’s a tad small but it has flowers, and matches what the oldest one has – we do a little fashion parade and dance in front of the mirror. While dressing for the pool, we all jump into the bed, and pretend to swim around in blankets of snow. There’s an awkward moment when the oldest (3 ½ years old) finds the other vibrator – that’s been washed and clean, thank goodness – and asks “What’s this nut doing here?” She plays with it, pretending it’s a seashell and I try not to laugh as I watch him handle the situation – which he does without judgement, and with grace.

09:30: Splashed in the pool with his kids, we spend an hour being mermaids and swimming around in circles.

13:00: Went home to get my SIM card figured out, hoping I can port over to this new mobile card before the year ends!

14:00: Met up with a new acquaintance – we recently had a threesome (our first as a couple) and wanted to debrief to talk about feelings of vulnerability. It goes better than expected.

16:30: Walked home to pack for the party tonight!

17:00: Shall I? I do need a little nap, playing with kids really takes it out of you. I play with my new toy and it takes all of about 5 minutes to reach orgasm, and that always relaxes me. I dont know why they say men always fall asleep after sex but neglect to mention women – I fall into an easy sleep.

17:45: I fold about a week’s worth of clean laundry that’s just been littered around my bed in anticipation of my boyfriend sleeping over.

18:00: Headed to the club, see everyone decked in outfits that range from beach casual to sequinned ball gowns.

20:00: A lovely dinner and meeting new and old friends.

22:30: We head to a friend’s rooftop to end the night. We enjoy the view of the city, taking in this skyline, talking and hanging out.

12:00: Splash! We ushered the new year by jumping into the pool – two out of seven of us are naked and we just float around as one big amorphous blob. Two of them start waltzing around the pool. The water is too cold for me so my boyfriend and I head upstairs to take a nice warm shower.  While getting out of the bathroom he exposes me naked to a room full of people as a joke – without my consent. Thank god I am comfortable enough around these people to be naked and play it off, but we will have a serious conversation about appropriate boundaries after this. We end up having more drinks, cuddling and napping on each other before calling it a night home at around 2 am.

All in all – a very social, sexy week.  Still wondering when I’ll be able to truly use the koi for more than a couple of hours in the water, but that can wait til next time…

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